I haven't left yet.

I report to the MTC on December 4^th to serve a mission for my church, the church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Wichita Kansas. I set up this blog so my mom, can post my letters sent home so others can read what I am up to. This, is just a test run to see if it works.  As I was trying to figure out how it “open” my blog, I realized that I spoke in church as my “farewell” before I leave for 18 months, and I might as well put that on here.  This is not me saying that my talk was all that and a bag of chips.  This is not me trying to brag.  I just feel that this is the best way to get across why I am going to serve a mission.  Also, most of my family wasn’t there to hear it, so now they can at least read it.

When you receive a pop quiz in class, there tends to be three different types of students in the class taking the quiz. There is the student who showed up to class, was there for the lectures but didn’t really pay very much attention and didn’t take any notes, so they were completely unprepared for the pop quiz.  There is the student who attended class regularly, paid attention, took some notes and maybe applied what they learned outside of class once or twice, so when they receive a pop quiz this student does all right, but could definitely improve.  Lastly, there is the student who attends regularly, takes avid notes and reviews their notes outside of class, so ideally they will be prepared for a pop quiz. Life is full of pop quizzes of situations we should be prepared for, but is on us if we were.  How to treat others in non-ideal situations, kindness, prayer, standing in holy places and so many other circumstances.

I remember when I was four; I decided I wanted to go on a mission.  I was standing by my neighbor’s house with my brother and he was talking about how he wanted to one day serve a mission in Africa and I decided right then and there that I was going to serve a mission one day.  Ever since then, I tried to live my life in accordance to preparing for a mission. All my life I told people that, a mission was something I really wanted to do, but I was often told that I would probably change my mind by the time I was 21, but I always brushed off their  sentiments sure that a mission was what would be right for me.  And then I left for college.  College was full of friends, and fun and studies and a future career that I wanted to get to as soon as possible, and a mission just didn’t seem to fit into my new plans.  Although I still believed in the church and followed the counsel of the Prophets, I began to get too prideful, too “what if I lived a different lifestyle” wistful and my thoughts did not remain with heavenly father as much as they once had. Until one day, a longtime friend of mine had gotten in a fight over something that I started, over a silly thing and it got so out of hand that she told me she no longer knew who I was anymore and that our friendship was over.  That was a loud wakeup call, and I remember literally looking in the mirror, and seeing this girl who had focused so much on looking appealing on the outside, that the insides?  I didn’t like who I had become.  I realized then that I needed to turn my attentions more closely to the Lord. With a lot of much needed prayer and scripture study I felt my spirit begin to be back in tune with the Lord again, my heart began to soften and I was able to feel the spirit more often and frequently than I ever had before in my life.

 And then, the age change announcement was made, and I realized at that moment that even though I was only 20, if the Lord permitted, I could be on a mission relatively soon and the childhood dream that I had turned away from before, could possibly happen.  However, the key words were if the Lord permitted.  I prayed about it and instantly got a solid NO.  I was flabbergasted, sad, hurt and confused.  I was trying hard to be righteous, yet I felt very strongly that I was wanted at home, not in the mission field, that home was where I was wanted.  As disappointing as it was, I was glad that I was able to receive an answer from the Lord and to feel his spirit in his answer.  Over the next few months I went through some really rough challenges and trials.  But without them, I wouldn’t be standing here before you now, because they helped to strengthen my spirit and my testimony in the Lord.  Throughout my challenges I turned to the Lord for help and guidance and as a shoulder to cry on until I had gotten to a point in my life, when there was a future goal that I really wanted to achieve for myself, so badly.  I had prayed about it at first and it felt right, but months later, those plans were just not panning out and every time I “prayed” about it, I wouldn’t listen for the real answer, I just wanted the Lord’s confirmation I was making the right choice, and I didn’t want to know the truth.  It got to the point where my hope had been so fruitless that I got depressed, and sad.  I finally was humbled before Lord, and my pride was able to diminish so that I was ready for any answer, as long as I could be happier than I was then.

 After humbling myself with prayer and scripture study and telling the Lord that I was putting myself in HIS hands, I had to wait.  A week later I got my answer, when I was in my grandparents ward and a girl was giving her mission farewell talk.  I remember sitting in the pew thinking how LUCKY she was, that she had the opportunity when suddenly I felt that I should pray about a mission again.  I kept trying to brush it off, because I had already received my answer, right?  Yet throughout her talk I kept feeling stronger and stronger that I needed to pray about a mission again.  Surely enough, after prayer and fasting I knew a mission is where the Lord wants me now. 

Was all of that hard to go through? You bet.     Yet I know that whether or not if I was going to go on a mission, the reason I knew what Heavenly Father wanted of me, was that I had spiritually prepared without really realizing it.  I had prepared so that I could stand in holy places, or more importantly, so that the Lord’s spirit could preside in me, and bodies are holy places.

            I remember when I was a little girl and people would talk about standing in holy places I would suddenly imagine someone standing on the temple grounds with a thick fog everywhere but the temple grounds that I pictured as the world, and somewhere not to go.  But, as I have gotten older, I have grown to realize there is more to it than that.  We have to prepare not just our bodies, but our spirits so that they themselves are holy places and we can feel the spirit with us at all times.  Which is easier said than done.  In today’s world, much of what is considered the norm and what would be strange to partake in is harmful to our souls.  We have to be careful to dress modest, watch what kind of substance we partake in and if they could harm us, and be careful of the media around us, to name a few temptations.  We all have our weaknesses that Satan will try to tempt us with, try to degrade our spirits and keep them from being holy.  .    

          “ 18 Behold, verily, verily, I say unto you, ye must watch and pray always lest ye enter into temptation; for Satan desireth to have you, that he may sift you as wheat. 19 Therefore ye must always pray unto the Father in my name; 20 And whatsoever ye shall ask the Father in my name, which is right, believing that ye shall receive, behold it shall be given unto you.” 3 Nephi 18:18-20    Today’s society, makes sin look so tantalizing and following the straight and narrow path look so…OLD FASHIONED and rude and ignorant.  What was once considered not an okay thing, is now often something we should be only sort of following depending on how we feel about it.  We should NOT take captain Barbosa’s advice that the rules are only guidelines and instead we should listen to our leader, Heavenly Father.

          Heavenly Father wants us to do well.  He is our number one cheerleader who roots for us every time we make a good, or wise decision, and is our counselor to listen to us and console us whenever we either make unwise choices or are in an unwise situation.  When I stop and look at how much Jesus and Heavenly Father are there for me, I realize how litter appreciation we give them.  We are asked to try and live our lives a certain way by our loving Lord who has given us so much.  He asks us to live our lives a certain way that is actually more freeing and to try and remember him in all ways so that we can return with him and feel his promptings daily.  Yet, we allow ourselves to be distracted by the temporary world that promises us nothing long term and can often be seen as the easy way out over what is definitely hard work to try and stay close to the Lord and our Savior but has lasting benefits.  When we take a look in that mirror, we can always found needing improvement in how we worship the Lord because he has done so much in giving us this world, our bodies and the Atonement so we can come back to live with him again.  We can’t really come up even with that, ever.  So when I sometimes stop and think about that, I feel so ashamed for having the occasional feelings of lack of motivation to read my scriptures, say my prayers, and try hard to stay away from the temptations of the world.  It is NOT easy, and it never will be.  But I think that’s the point, if it were easy, it wouldn’t be worth it.  Yet, the more we strive to become closer to our lord in heart and mind, the easier he will make it for us to get through our challenges and trials.  That does NOT mean that our trials will be easier, not by any means.  Yet, we will have a friend by our side at all times, who will listen when we talk to him and will comfort to us through our struggles. 

I am so grateful for the comfort and help I have had through my struggles and trials in my life so far.  They have made my life, although not any easier, it has made it easier to keep going in life.  If I did not strive to try and do as our Lord has asked so that I can stand in Holy Places and so that the sprit can dwell in me, I don’t think I would have had the capability to feel the comfort of the spirit in all those challenging times.  Standing in Holy places and the preparation to do so, is not easy, but it is worth it and it helps to make life more worthwhile as we go through it so that one day, we have the chance to be with our Heavenly Father again.